Counterattacks at Thirty: A Novel

By Won-pyung Sohn (Author), Sean Lin Halbert (Translator).

When refreshing the last three chapters to prepare the session next week, I still like the book very much. 

It connects. The life in Seoul doesn't look very far away, now and then the details echo: Yes, the bleaching big city view, the pathetic street flowers in early spring, cicadas in summer heat. The familiar east Asian stressful life style. So in 1994, they had a school vacation for the heat wave, we didn't. And I remembered the heat.

It feels peaceful while reading. The pain is familiar, but the talent, the rational conversation, the thinking for a meaningful life, in a realistic social injustice, is not often seen in a novel. It feels good even after translation. Even the Korean names in English are not a blocker, though they are difficult to pronounce and meaningless, I constantly tried to map it back into Korean names in Chinese characters.

The weekend I started to read it, I finished it all.

I recommended it to Xiao Cai, a few weeks later she replied: I can understand the sadness, the frustration, which somehow helps to understand my son generation. But I can't agree. The thing is, sad people tend to write, those who really does things don't. It is an unfortunately bias: the down tones are louder.

I thought about it. That makes a point.

But when read the last three chapters again. I still love this book. It is not all about sadness. It's about struggling, about facing it, about love and hope. It's "true and real".

Just like Chloé Zhao said about Hamnet: the vulnerability we shared connects.

The year when Han Kang won Nobel prize, book reviews on her works look heavy. It set a bit the background for reading this book. At least a rough impression of big history events is ready. The sheer gravity of reality in Han Kang's stops me to read them. Not in these heavy years. This, on the contrary, is a small soft book, also about what happens there, what they think now. It comforts to see people seriously trying hard to improve things even impossible to change. Even the small, indecisive efforts from ordinary nobody, is admirable.

Yes, this is a story about ordinary people, not so successful. But, an unsuccessful life is still a true decent life, still has a stage of its own. And, the ending is warm.

Food & Drink

Can you move to next table? There are 4 people waiting... this table can work for them. The waiter asked.

So I moved and sat next to her. Two very close tables.

Dishes were served. 

Is it spicy? In halfway, she looked over and asked.

No, not at all.

Mine is very spicy.

I looked over, red peppers. You have red peppers, that is different.

She had two big dishes, no rice. She ate. She paused. Then she asked for a take away box.

I can't finish them... She said to me.

Yes, they serve a big bowl. I can't finish mine, either.

...I had my stomach cut,  last year, a surgery. Only one fifth remains....

It will grow back. Stomach can grow.

She nodded. Now it's better. But I love eating. Don't want to skip anything...Ah, so love eating.

Yes. Food is such a joy of life.

So we packed the boxes and left the food stand one after the other. Outside pouring down the thunder rain.

Coffee again. I said.

Now the previous sunny girl was gone. The second girl in Family Mart smiled softly: use additive ordering?

OK. Though I was not very sure whether it was what she told me last time.

That's the cheapest way to order, I told you. Her face was even brighter.

Is it? Never know such a trick before.

Me neither. I saw that man ordering on machine there in this way. Click click click. So I asked him. Really! That is so smart. You see, it is always good to talk with people. 

He must check a lot about the prices.

Some people just has that talent. I can't never figure that out by looking at these numbers. I just can't. She said honestly.

I nodded. I like the moment so much.

She stuck my receipt at the back of the counter. Now you can pick up your coffee one by one whenever you want, see? She smiled.

Dad used to go to the newspaper booth every day. Always the same set of newspaper. A few words with the seller. He just liked that.

爱你就像爱生命

书腰封上写：王小波你知道吗，你最好的作品不是小说，而是这些写给李银河的信…
他当然知道，只是可能没想过要发表这些。
然而，发表是好的，旁观者也感受爱的幸福。

要看到黑暗里的光，相信它，走过去

2021第一天，平静普通。
想起去年元旦发了早餐照，然后果然有机会练习厨艺。
这一年对我而言是好转的，一地鸡毛终于有点形状，家人都平安，所以跨年也没有太多感慨。年初有些从未有的经历，比如来回开在空荡荡的高速，比如封城猝不及防回不了锡，比如高速上突然冰雹齐下，可惜并没有写下来。
工作很忙，有进展，迷茫了一阵之后找局外人交谈，豁然，然后逐步有感觉了，在融入的感觉。
要做真实的自己，莫强求，对自己也对他人。
善良温暖。
喜欢和不同的人交谈，他们多么好啊。
也理解了一些事，比如以前有些场合会坦然吐槽，现在理解这有些难办，因为丧固然真实，但丧真不好办，于事无补。

Some moments

I thought something else after scanned my card. Then the door closed. And it can't reopen before 2 minutes blackout time. 

On the other side of the door, a girl also stuck for the same.

She was chatting and joking with others. They were waiting for her. 

Then we started to talk. I didn't know how it began. But it just began. 

'Ah, so we can swap our cards and try from the other side instead.'

'That's a good idea.'

So we exchanged cards over the threshold, scanned from the opposite side. The door opened. We smiled, returned the cards back to each other, and waved goodbye.

When I arrived at the north gate, it was just past 2pm, exactly the minute the gate was closed.

A girl sighed next to me, after trying her card, the same result. 

It started to drizzle.

Then she nodded to me: 'Come on over,  in my umbrella.' 

That was the moment I suddenly realized now it was so easy that someone unknown was willing to open up to me, for no reason.

So we walked side by side under the umbrella, detouring to the front gate. She told me how she hated the canteen food, noodles with beef was barely acceptable, but never with chicken or duck. And now she missed the gate time by just one minute. 

In the short moment of silence, it felt peaceful. Slow and peaceful. Like in the old campus.

Then in a drawing session, the teacher said: From your lines, I can see you are so different from each other. Some are very calm, some are passionate.

The first cube drawing was reviewed. It was calm. There were stains on the paper.

Is it the rain? He asked.

Yes, it was raining when I brought it here.

That is good. He said. Including the stains.

Ice cream, Chips...

Dodo went out to see her friends at noon. Skipped a PE class. It doesn't make sense to stay at home watching a PE session on TV. I fully agreed.
Then I persuaded Zz to have pizza in sun under a spring tree. His classmate passed by, in a mask. He was embarrassed: It's her idea, not me...
Online schooling doesn't work for them. Dodo keeps chatting with friends, Zz can't finish all the homework now and then. If it works, that's true love for study. If not, they are just human.

The online classroom will immediately disconnect when time runs out.
So one day boys counting down in the class chatbox:  3 mins left...  2 mins left...
The teacher finally burst out: I don't need you to count down for me!

One day in the supermarket, transportation was very difficult at that time, so shelves were half empty.
A man walked around, not much to buy. Really no good options.
Then he stopped and took a box of ice cream of last summer.
It was an enlightening moment, yes, ice cream!

I told AQi about this on our way drove back to Dad:
And there was this mid-aged man in the grocery shop: Er, two boxes of chips? Days are rather boring now...
We laughed.

In the kitchen on new year's days, I kept thinking of grandma. The dishes she cooked in those early days. The fried eggs with bamboo shoots. When there was one dish short in springtime, she would say, so let's fry some egg with bamboo shoots, just go and cut a few back in the bamboo forest over there. They were instantly ready. And she always said I was the smart girl that can find the new bamboo shoots.
And many winter noons we walked back home from school, she had that little pot with pork cabbage soup on the oven, rustling and bubbling, the aroma filling up the kitchen.
I never thought of these. They surged up themselves, silently and strong. The powerful old details.

The online schooling talked about the virus situation. Zz watched and ran back to me excitedly: See? The TV program said: Comfort your children and don't let them go panic! Exactly! Come and comfort me: I am panic.
He was scared, weeks before when the numbers kept climbing up every morning.

Then it came the spring: plum, peach, sakura, wisteria, one after another.

Dream Catcher

So one day we went shopping. She wanted a dream catcher.
What is it? I asked.
A net that catches all your dreams. All other girls have it.
Yes, yes, of course each little girl needs a dream catcher. It is a good world. Shops sell these nice items that take care of kid's dreams. All sounds soft, surreal and magical.

When we walked out of the mall, she was laughing: Are you happy now? After I help you spend those money out. That is life!
Yes. At that moment, yes.
Finally.

2018: 更温和，更善良了。都很满意。
2019: 每日小运动，肩颈背。工作中保持间隔休息走动。和各种不同的人交谈，理解倾听。

Spring

In those early years, I collected postcards. I remembered them all. Colors, neat lines, landscapes out of reach, emptiness with endless meanings... poems unwritten.
Then for many years, they felt like a cliche.  Anyway, beautiful things are similar. Sugar photos. Silly young girls' fancy.
You thought they are gone.
But never.
Now they came back to my clicks. Again I perceived the soft delicacies, warm, comforting, everlasting. Roses are all the same. But still, they are roses, they are love, they are the light brighten your life, they are the tenderness you reflect to others.

The spring night was better than this picture. Moon, sakura, music in the air and dancing steps.

困难

最近是迄今最困难的阶段，焦虑，各种头绪翘起需要关注解决。所有遗留下来的问题需要从头补上。
可能唯一好的一点是，终于落到低处于是不能选择忽视，于是必须一咬牙猛拍下树干转过头寻求解决。
工作没有问题，但是重心必须调整，必须平衡。
第二次咨询换了个vendor，挺意外的，他是个好人，中间他脱开议题，说，你很辛苦。沉默良久，瞬间说不出话来。
 有些新改变，然而这将是个长期的缓慢的努力，需要耐心和智慧。
 几年前和老塞聊天他玩笑说起过，每个人都有他应得的孩子。你的因，所以你的果。那时点头同意，其中最困难的是要改变你自己。
 谈何容易。
 为人父母是所有事中最困难的。
 最近的要点是：
1. 要看到真实的孩子，而不是你眼中的孩子。这很重要。
2. 理解回应真实的需求。所有问题首先是情绪问题
3.帮助孩子理解和表达情绪。
 4.出于爱而不是出于害怕的教导
  今天早上我明白过来转需要的是欢快振奋的母亲。兜也是，许多次她提醒：保持微笑不会变老。然而这很困难，对我而言，做为一个从小学着不停改进缺点的人，非常负面的人。
 通过回避以及幻象得到的正面并不是真的正面，这是问题。
 于我，阅读从来不是好学，是回避。

一地鸡毛，去咨询，聊了一小时，那边笑：你要是我爸妈就开心死了。这是咨询吗？可以投诉吗，沮丧地叹口气挂了。‘你一定会有办法的。’最近到手的都是这句。然后只能绝望之余腾地站起来，一头扎进去。
精疲力尽。
一直不喜欢《到灯塔去》这本书，有必要读吗？你描绘了生活的真相又如何，还需要看书吗，难道它本身还不够清楚吗？多旺盛的生命力才能持之以恒地热爱生活啊。于是觉得一切其它教育都不重要，说到底需要培植的就是这股子劲儿，哄骗着坚持到底。伍尔夫也是这个意思，认清生命的真相，然而依然热爱它热爱它，需要多大的勇气啊。
碎片，时间的碎片，属于自己的很少很少。

Jump360

那日陪孩子去沈老师的新画室，干净，美。小岛才刚会走路，两人授课，做参展项目，生活也是繁忙，有一阵甚至乳腺炎都拖着不去看病，然而逐步逐步地改善，将旧画室换地方重新来过。
想了很久，曾经不也是向往这样的么？太不讲究了。其它都是借口。
不能总是拖拉。
此前去鱼板的高档衬衫聚会捧场，他指着美轮美奂匠心独特的友人制作糕点感慨，女人就该这样生活啊。虽然不以为然，确实觉得也很精美。
去年在维也纳和Georg谈工作，开始先闲话家常，那日他刚和女儿交谈，正是她第一段关系确立时，他为她高兴。说起如今周围越来越多母亲全职回归家庭，他摇头：别，相信我，那些都是繁忙乏味重复的日常，其实对女性不利，没有发展她的才能。

razor's edge

For men and women are not only themselves; they are also the region in which they are born, the city apartment or farm in which they learnt to walk, the games they played as children, the old wives tales they overheard, the food they ate, the schools they attended, the sports they followed, the poets they read, and the God they believed in. It is all these things that have made them what they are, and these are the things that you can't come to know by hearsay...

have to get an English version. Translation is an issue. And it is also mentioned there is a story based on Thomas Hardy...interesting.

Back to my corner. Here is my place.
Very often I think of what Virginia Woolf said, each woman needs a room of her own. Now I get it: in a hotel.
No interruptions. No long list to do. No long list of never done yet.

I am so thankful that I live in the kindness of others.
When there was no more seat on Nora's car and Eduardo had to walk alone, Peter said I would walk with you so that you wouldn't be too bored. He was in a joking tone. But that was the first day here for Eduardo. The moment I felt so lucky I've met them in my life and happily worked together (virtually) for so many years.

And the day before I left Shanghai, Keran's mother drove in front of me. We planned to go to the Zhengda Center to have some fun with kids. I didn't know the confusing route well and never knew where the parking lot was. Red light, I missed her car.  Wait. Wait. Green light. When I finally pulled over, I saw she was waiting there at side line, just to make sure I could follow.

Why I run into these nice people? I guess I must thank god.
 

Happen to notice old pictures in my blog are with broken url now. Reread them is interesting. The photos are actually not that good. Chinese description is good with the details, English is rather bad. It doesn't mean I am a better photographer now. For so many years go without a real camera, I haven't improve any skills with those lens. But my eyes are sharper. So editing and thinking about pictures on iPhone really helps? Hua Yihe said you are a master of the tense and hue, although it is just a low quality mobile photo. Maybe that's the same about writing.
In work, have been writing in English seriously for about two years. The beginning is pretty simple: why not? Why don't I resume some writing, though it is in English. Then I've got a luxury environment, those big guys provide guidance. In all aspects: what to write? what do you really want to say? What's the point? In one word: don't be stupid. Don't waste the reader's time. And finally almost every word is polished by the native speaker. Every word is a learning.
It's all about substructions. Remove unnecessary words. Be condensed.

What matters is not what you thought a perfect work at that time. But those details will have its own independent life. So better just write down the trivials now.

Also a lot of q&a with the mentor. The best things of the job are these indirect parts, coaching trainings, mentoring programs. He asked, so what's your own development plan? All you talk about is how u r doing things. That's important. But what's your overall direction? It's more important. To be honest I don't know. There are people passionate to be great, but I am not. It's a shame after many years u'r still that kind of 'with potentials'. So the next round I tried to answer this after clarifying lots of confusions while doing things. I am happy to be a technical expert. Then when talked about more details of requirements of next level, think about what u lack and work towards it, he said. U want the next level? Yes, why not. I said. I knew it's correct, but the small voice inside me started: but... I don't like that. I know I will never really consult anyone about how to succeed. In some dimension, that's not important for life: there are dozens of real troubles u need to work them out daily.
It's always like this. In the high school reunion the year before. Finally I got the chance to sit besides Teacher Du and sincerely thanked him for all the enlightenment he had given. That has a big impact on me. He was beaming up: I feel the real happiness now. He really meant that. He's always like this way. Teacher Li recalled once in casual that I was that kind of once per ten years student in this well reputational high school. But so far I achieve nothing. Is that important, either? I guess not.

Now I see why Patricia who is purely mathematics oriented loves to learn different languages and why Nora said, to practice her brain she starts another language, Arabian. It's actually something like Math. A set of rules and the meaningful world is constructed on these rules. A native speaker won't feel the rules much. But the new learner relies on them. It's all about logic. And all rules are practically simplified. That's interesting. The very basics of thinking differ in different languages.
Mango app is rather a good tool. So when I walked up stairs and murmured the chants of 'Die Herrentoilette ist rechts und die Damentoilette ist gleich links daneben', it feels very super-realistic.
Sorry that I didn't really learn some Japanese. At least for travels it worth doing that. The next one in my list. With mango it's possible.
But this doesn't work for kids. Mango uses logic deduction, that is not a kid's best way. They simply feel things.

 

有些奇怪的想法。
人们广泛联络，然而越发觉得最终没有人会想联络，又能如何？个体最终回归寂静，利益对此毫无作用。
企业内创业，也是权宜，要走的还会走，将不愿迁就，甚至都不是为创业。
鼓动会日益困难，你为个体生活，这生活里没有宏大主题，只有离散细节。
 

焦虑烦躁，状态不好。前一阵工作并行事务太多感觉很差，清理了一通头绪，觉得一部分应该放松不在乎，于是松了点。
但转眼兜要期末考了，又莫名焦虑，她自己并没感觉，也不懂要复习。学习普通但最近逐步有进展，我知道要压住自己的情绪但还是烦躁。
也不知是否和上了一天夜班有关。
太用力？
在维也纳从moedling归程火车上Otto摇头说，我知道这对你还不够。我很难满足吗？
然而我并不知道自己要什么。周游世界吗？不需要。周五说起dirk刚从黄石公园周游回来，peter说也想这样，我没插话，太遥远，与我的生活无关。满朋友圈周游世界也木然。我知道如今自己去趟维也纳都离开得万分勉强，旅行什么也医治不了。
也许问题的实质是我从来没有为自己真正的目标全力以赴过。甚至是，真正的目标是什么？
做你自己，但自己又是谁呢？
甚至，你不停地画又是为什么？你要画什么？
或者只是，最近画少了？

you

On the flight, finished all Chinese movies available. They are good. Some plots you know they are made up. But now you are more tolerate, the small things that are so true in an untrue story just make you sad the same. You know how this world runs. You don't comment on those imperfect things. They are all like this. That's fine. But now you can see the hidden glory. The precious small moments easily touch you. I guess that is what so called aging.
Your book is left in the luggage. You remember last year on the flight, a man sat in front of you was reading exactly the same book you read at home. Literature memoirs. An unpopular one. It was such a nice coincident. What would you do? Sat smiling. That was all. But you would remember that moment.
The last night, wandering in the streets around Pratter. Where was it? You checked the map, Ilgl platz or somewhere. Three little boys were playing football in the small park. Old people sat around. The sun was setting.
At that time you didn't want to walk away. You wanted to sit there forever.
'Marco!' Then an old grandpa called the boy up. He counted out three white candies to the boy: This is for Marco, this is for your brother ...and for... You didn't get the other two names. Actually You couldn't understand the language. But you knew exactly what he said. Then the boy ran to his friends and shared the candy. Then he walked away. He was not the real grandpa, just a neighbor.
And the first morning, wandering on the streets when got up too early. A tree in full blossom was a block away. You had to come over to it. When enjoyed your time under the tree with head up, a woman passing by stopped in such a cheerful voice: Shoen? Sehr shoen. You confirmed. Then came the important part, she started to say: Das ist.... She would tell you what tree it was and its story if you could get the main sentence.
But that doesn't matter. It was a sunny bright happy morning. A morning you would feel you are blessed.
Global influence, or run something globally, that is what they expect you to do. But such a statement sounds so false. How could you impact globally, when the world is so big and people are living in so many different slots seldomly have any intersection? You could only do things locally. You live a very local life in this Babel tower world.
And you will remember the people you saw in the back row of musikverein nine years ago. You will remember the day you took a wrong turn and stepped on a wrong stair in that old little hotel. Girls were folding sheets there, talking, and the sunlight pouring in. You could only went up the stairs silently, into the warmth of the moment, went on and on, and finally passed the moment without a word.
Nine years later, you are in the same city. You remember the sun spots on the white sheets. But you don't visit all those famous buildings and you aren't in the same hotel any more. And you won't try to find it. You won't.